My Baby Will Only Sleep When Held: 5 Tips to Help
I opened my eyes, light streaming through my bedroom window, and looked down at my still sleeping 2-week-old baby. He looked so peaceful while sleeping, but I knew it wouldn’t last.
If I could just get a cup of coffee and a bite to eat, I’d be ready to face the day, I thought. That suddenly became a desperate need. After 2 weeks of having my baby constantly in my arms, I needed 2 minutes to myself.
I carefully placed him in his bassinet. Bolting when he immediately began to stir.
My Baby Will Only Sleep When Held: 5 Tips to Help
If you’re like me, you’re desperate for just a few moments with two free arms after weeks (or months) of holding your baby 24/7. I have some quick tips for you and a long-term method to keep your baby sleeping on his own for years to come.
A Quick Win
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re exhausted and desperate for a solution. Here’s a quick and easy (but temporary solution).
Get a swing and a baby carrier.
The swing will give you a place to put your baby for a few minutes while you use the bathroom, shower, or make yourself a meal.
The baby carrier will give you a moving option where both of your hands are available.
My baby hated the stroller and the car seat. He loved the baby carrier because he felt like he was being held. And I loved it because I had two free hands and could walk around.
Product Tips
The swing – Buy a simple swing that rocks side-to-side. (This is the exact one I have.) There are some expensive swings that seem to be hit-or-miss with babies. Stick to the simple ones, since this is a temporary solution.
The carrier – Make sure the one you get is for newborns. (I have the LILLEbaby Airflow.) Some require you to purchase extra pieces for a newborn.
The Reality of the Newborn Stage & What it Means for Your Baby’s Sleep
Newborn babies are genetically programmed to stay close to their mothers. They were used to being in the womb. And don’t understand being separated from mom. So there’s nothing wrong with your baby wanting to be held.
If you’re worried holding your baby as a newborn will mean you’ll be holding him for the next year, that’s not going to be the case. Babies don’t develop sleep associations 3 months (later if your baby was born prematurely). So don’t feel guilty for holding your baby as a newborn.
Related: Creating Positive Sleep Associations
Recommendations for Infant Sleep
But we all know the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Safe Sleep Guidelines Include:
- A firm mattress and flat surface
- Room sharing for the first 6 months
- Pacifier-use
- Monitoring the room temperature to prevent overheating
- Back sleeping
They DO NOT recommend:
- Bed-sharing with parents
- Inclined sleep surfaces
- Swings, carriers, or other similar items for routine sleep
- Crib bumpers
- At-home cardio-respiratory monitors
- Weighted blankets or weighted clothing
- Soft bedding
- Blankets or toys
All of these guidelines are in place to help lower the risk of sudden infant death syndrome.
So what are we supposed to do when our baby will only sleep when held? We have to sleep sometime.
The AAP doesn’t recommend co-sleeping from a medical standpoint to prevent SIDS, but Anthropologists recommend co-sleeping. They’ve found that co-sleeping reduces the rate of SIDS because: “When parents and babies sleep together, their heart rates, brain waves, sleep states, oxygen levels, temperature, and breathing influence one another” (Divecha 2020). The mom helps regulate the baby.
The suggestion from anthropologists is to practice safe co-sleeping.
The AAP guidelines can make us feel like we need to lay our babies down to keep them safe. So how can you do that when your baby will only sleep when held?
Let’s consider how babies sleep.
Newborn Sleep Science
Newborn sleep is different than adult sleep.
Here are a few important facts:
- Newborns sleep an average of 18 hours a day, broken up into multiple short periods of sleep in 24 hours (Pacheco 2023).
- Newborns are still developing circadian rhythms (the internal 24-hour clock that reacts to darkness as a sleep signal) and often have days and nights reversed (Dewar 2023).
- More than half of newborn sleep is spent in REM (active sleep) while the other half is spent in a stage of NREM (quiet sleep) (Wielek, Del Giudice, Lang, Wislowska, Ott, Schabus, 2019).
- A newborn sleep cycle is approximately 50-55 minutes (contrasting adult sleep cycles, which are approximately 90-110 minutes) and follows different patterns than adult sleep (Dewar 2023).
What does all of this mean?
Newborns don’t sleep like we do. Newborns spend much of their sleep cycle in a state of slight wakefulness (Dewar 2023). This is a survival tactic that causes babies to rouse when oxygen levels are low.
But this state of active sleep also makes it easy for your baby to wake when you lay him down.
Newborns reach NREM (quiet sleep) somewhere in the middle of their sleep cycle. This stage of deep sleep is the best time to lay them down. Dr. Dewar suggests waiting at least 8.5 minutes after your baby falls asleep before laying him down. Based on my experience, I recommend 15-20 minutes.
Experiment with different times and remember that babies are constantly developing. At 3-4 months, babies grow more adult-like sleep patterns.
From week to week, your baby will change. With this change, sleep will either get easier or worse based on the patterns you establish.
Be Persistent
Just because you can’t get your baby down now doesn’t mean it will always be this way. I held my baby 24/7 for the first 2.5 months before I could successfully get him down. Read my step-by-step guide on how to gradually transition your baby from being held to independent sleep for the exact method I used.
Related: Newborn Sleep Tips
The Long-Term Solution
Getting your baby to sleep without being held is a long game. Most of us want a quick solution or an answer to what we’re doing wrong.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. Fourth-trimester babies like to be held. Babies like to be held. My 30 lb toddler would still prefer that I cart him around for most of the day.
Building a secure attachment in newborns is essential, which is why it’s vital to respond to their cries (Li, 2023) and not resort to harsh sleep training methods. It’s normal and good for your baby to have separation anxiety.
But sleep is also essential to brain development.
The good news is there’s a way to establish sustainable, good sleep habits that will help your baby sleep well and independently both now and in the future.
Building Healthy Sleep Habits
By 3-4 months, start establishing a sleep routine.
This will consist of a few repeated events that lead up to bed and nap times. Creating a consistent bedtime routine helps your baby know what to expect. It also teaches their body to prepare for sleep when they encounter the routine.
Start with a simple routine that you can follow multiple times a day — dimmed lights, a sleeping bag or swaddle blanket, a book, a white noise machine, and then down for bed.
Follow this routine consistently, and you’ll create positive sleep associations (like a dark room, sound machine, and sleep space).
For more on creating good sleep habits, see my no-cry sleep training method.
What You Need to Know About Schedules
Newborns do not need a sleep schedule. Even older babies (up to 9 months) do better at following wake windows as opposed to by-the-clock schedules.
However, the easiest way to organize your days at this age is by following a feed-wake-sleep cycle (not a feed-sleep-wake cycle). This brings some structure to the day and can help teach your baby to organize sleep more quickly.
To follow a feed-wake-sleep schedule, you will give your baby a full feeding (about 10-15 minutes on each breast in the early weeks) every time he wakes. Then, keep him awake until he shows signs of drowsiness.
You can also start introducing structure by having a consistent bedtime (as much as possible). Choose an hour for bedtime and consistently put your baby down during that hour every day. For example, you may choose 8 PM. Focus on getting your baby down for the night during that hour. From 8-9 PM.
Be careful with the hour that you choose. Choose a time when your baby naturally tends to fall asleep and sleep well as your bedtime hour.
Tackling Nap Time
If you are desperate to start laying your baby down, the best place to start is the first nap of the day. This tends to be when your baby is the most tired. And will make it easier to get him down.
Get your baby to sleep as you usually would, and hold him for 10-20 minutes. Then, lay him down in his crib or another safe place. If he rouses, wait a few seconds to see if he’ll settle back to sleep.
If he doesn’t, pick him up and start over. This time, wait longer to lay him down.
If this doesn’t work after 2-3 tries, hold your baby and try again tomorrow.
Extra Challenges & How to Face Them
If this is your first baby, let me assure you that babies are constantly changing. What may seem like an impossible challenge today may resolve itself a few months from now.
With that said, let’s consider a few extra challenges you may face.
Acid Reflux
You finally get your baby down, only to have him wake up a few minutes later to spit up.
If you haven’t already, shift to a feed-wake-sleep cycle. This means you will feed your baby after his nap, not before. This allows the milk to settle before he goes down to sleep.
During feedings, burp your baby often.
At night, hold your baby upright for 30 minutes after feeding before laying him down (if possible).
Colic or a Witching Hour
These are 3-hour periods when your baby won’t settle down. My son screamed from 11 PM to 2 AM every night for the first 6 weeks of his life.
If you face something similar, I know how hard it can be. Try to get some sleep at the beginning of the night (the most restorative time) (Dewar 2023). If this falls during the day, you can try the swing or carrier to help Baby settle for this nap.
Most babies outgrow these 3-hour periods around 6 weeks, or the time shifts to a more manageable time (as it did with my son). Needless to say, now is not the time to worry about sleep training for laying your baby down. Sleep in the safest way possible and address better sleep habits when this stage has passed.
Short Naps
Once you do get your baby down, you can expect naps to be relatively short. That’s normal if your baby is still under 4 months old or sleeping independently for the first time.
Don’t give in to the temptation to hold your baby again. Just offer additional naps to ensure he is getting the sleep he needs. Naps will lengthen over time.
So if you’ve been struggling with a baby that will only sleep when held, remember that infant sleep is different from adult sleep. You may need to hold your baby a little longer before you try laying him down. Or you may have a baby that wants to be held.
Keep trying to put him down and, in the meantime, make life easier for yourself by picking up a baby swing and baby carrier because we all need two minutes to get a cup of coffee sometimes.
Follow these tips, and you’ll be on your way to having a great sleeper.
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References
American Academy of Pediatrics Updates Safe Sleep Recommendations: Back is Best. (2022). https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/news-releases/aap/2022/american-academy-of-pediatrics-updates-safe-sleep-recommendations-back-is-best/
Dewar, G. (2023). Newborn sleep patterns: A survival guide. PARENTING SCIENCE. https://parentingscience.com/newborn-sleep/
Divecha, D. (2020, February 7). How Cosleeping Can Help You and Your Baby. Greater Good. Retrieved May 11, 2023, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_cosleeping_can_help_you_and_your_baby
Inclined Sleepers, Crib Bumpers & Other Baby Registry Items to Avoid. (n.d.). HealthyChildren.org. https://healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/sleep/Pages/Inclined-Sleepers-and-Other-Baby-Registry-Items-to-Avoid.aspx?_ga=2.205140752.1695429366.1683762264-667007920.1683762264&_gl=1*16f3vye*_ga*NjY3MDA3OTIwLjE2ODM3NjIyNjQ.*_ga_FD9D3XZVQQ*MTY4Mzc2MjI2NC4xLjEuMTY4Mzc2MjQ4Mi4wLjAuMA..
Li, P. (2023). Bowlby & Ainsworth Attachment Theory – How Does It Work. Parenting for Brain. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/attachment-theory/
Pacheco, D. (2023). How Your Baby’s Sleep Cycle Differs From Your Own. Sleep Foundation. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/baby-sleep/baby-sleep-cycle
Summer, J. (2022). What Is the Best Room Temperature for a Sleeping Baby? Sleep Foundation. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/baby-sleep/best-room-temperature-for-sleeping-baby#:~:text=View%20Source%20may%20be%20comfortable,range%20for%20the%20baby’s%20bedroom.
Valplowman. (2020). Why an Eat/Wake/Sleep Cycle Works to Get Baby Sleeping. Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. https://www.babywisemom.com/eatwakesleep-cycle/
Wake Windows: What are They and Why do They Matter? (n.d.). https://www.babysleepdr.com/blog/Wake-Windows-What-are-They-and-Why-do-They-Matter
Wielek, T., Del Giudice, R., Lang, A., Wislowska, M., Ott, P., & Schabus, M. (2019). On the development of sleep states in the first weeks of life. PLOS ONE, 14(10), e0224521. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0224521
